Over the years I have connected and disconnected with various forms/shapes and types of Spirituality. Sometimes this connection has lasted for a year or more but more often than not I have held on to them for just a few short months before moving on to the next new and bigger ‘thing’. Like a smoker who says he can quit anytime he wants because he’s done it hundreds of times before; I have been inconsistent with my true beliefs because it was far too easy to get sucked in and feel a part of the tribal groups of spirituality by unconscious thinking by playing along with my mind’s own little mind-games! I was led or even driven by a want to believe in whatever I wanted to believe in, whatever these new discoveries were to feel accepted and appreciated. Like the smoker I only had want to guide me and not a heart-felt and authentic desire.
Until a couple of years ago, something happened to change all of that, and here’s how and why!
As I’ve just mentioned I used to get sucked in by all the next best things, I wanted to be a part of the tribe that was breaking new ground and about to change the world with whatever it was I had just got sucked in by. Then one day a few months ago I felt totally overwhelmed by all the emails I had signed up to, all the hype (and many false claims) generated by well-meaning spiritual people on social media. Don’t get me wrong there’s a lot of great people and wonderful things that come out of social media but what hit me that day was the number of people or tribes of people who were speaking without authority, with no authenticity of who and what they are. I recognised myself in them and I didn’t care too much for what I saw.
So I sat down and meditated in my own sweet way and asked myself a few simple but searching questions such as:
Where does your own authenticity start and end Steve?
Where does the true You come from, where does it dwell inside of you?
What does it feel like when you’re genuinely in touch with the authentic you?
You all know the type of questions I mean, we’ve all asked them of ourselves from time to time. I know I have and again like the smoker I have only had want to use as a tool to discover the answers; after all I had done it all many times before and already knew the answers, didn’t I?
This time was different, I had found the desire, a need to know because I had suddenly become aware of what had been happening to me for far too long and I needed to change. Not just for myself but for others to hear, see and feel the true authentic Steve. I’d become what other people expected me to be and I was more than happy to dish it up to them through my writing and even worse with how I connected to certain friends and family. Many of these and other aspects of my life were not exactly false but had more than a sprinkling of ill-conceived perceptions of myself which of course others mistook as being the authentic Steve which bred their own misinterpretation of me. A vicious circle of unconscious deceit.
At the same time as all this was going on in my head I spotted a workshop that was going to be held by a local ‘Meetup’ group, ‘Conscious Living Events’ by a Hayhouse published author, a woman I’d never heard of before (shame on you Steve!!). But it was the title of this workshop that really grabbed my attention more than anything else, ‘Conscious Writing – Discover Your True Voice Through Mindfulness and More.’ I think you can see why I was so drawn to it! So I booked myself in and immediately went and bought the book by the same title which is written by the way, by Julia McCutchen, founder of the International Association of Conscious and Creative Writers (IACCW).
I have to admit that often when I read self-improvement or spiritual growth ‘how to’ books I skim through them with the phrase, ‘Yup, know that, been there done it, move on,’ ringing in my head and I have to say that is how I was when I started to read ‘Conscious Writing’. Well, only the short introduction really because by the time I’d quickly got to page three of part one of the process, the real content of the book, Julia asked the question, “Who are you before the writing begins?” As usual I was about to skip through that bit and ‘move on’ when suddenly I froze in my chair and felt the shiver of uncertainty run through my whole body and I said loudly to myself; in fact the sensation was that powerful I probably shouted it out to the world as well. – “I DON’T KNOW!” ~ Me not know! How Bizarre!
Anyway I forced myself and my ego to struggle through the rest of part one of the book and had to put it down. Partly in confusion and partly because I was frustrated with myself for not getting what I was reading. Eventually I had to leave it alone and wait until I went to the workshop. I needed to have the physical experience to start to understand and fully absorb everything Julia was trying to get across. I wasn’t disappointed, the workshop experience opened up my awareness and released so many long-held blockages that had been holding back my true authentic voice from emerging and freed my creative energies giving me a powerful surge of self-appreciation, trust and love. The room crackled with positive energy the whole day and that energy has remained with me ever since.
I’m going to try to wrap this article up now as I realise that I’ve written so much already in what I believed was about twenty minutes but in truth it’s been an hour and a half! I also don’t want it to just read like a sales pitch for the book; although I do highly recommend you get yourself a copy of it or at the very least check out the IACCW website to confirm and see for yourself what I’m going on and on about!
So, let’s cut to the chase; why am I telling you all this?
The reason is simple, I rediscovered my true authentic self. I no longer call myself a Spiritual Warrior because I think by doing that I’m putting myself back into the same box as many of the well-meaning folks on social media are in and I’m truly not just another one of them, telling the same old thing in the same old way until the Spiritual meaning of their message disappears in a puff of mysterious and magical smoke generated by the fire of their sub-conscious ego’s and tribal back slapping. Don’t panic I’m not going to turn this into a full on rant about spiritual propagandists and givers of false hope gained from poor research from ‘suspect’ sources and non self-experience. I’ve written a little bit about that on my about page and all that’s in the past and no longer on my menu. None of that’s for me anymore folks, that’s not who I am or ever truly was. I’m not in it for the ‘likes’ or ‘followers’ as you can see. I’m in it for myself, my self-growth and for sharing my true authentic journey as a true and authentic ‘conscious energy of my humanness, mind – heart and soul. So I’m now a follower of my own heart felt connected consciousness and to do that authentically I had to make changes.
So after an extended unintended ramble which I simply needed to do, to evict a few lingering gremlins (you have to keep an eye on them!) the main point of all this is to hopefully encourage a few of you who may be feeling as I did a couple of years ago to not be afraid to change. Walking away from what is not serving you well and discovering your true authenticity is not only a brave decision it’s commonsense one too. If you decide to make those changes I wish you good luck and thank you for taking the time (and energy!) to read this post.